#6 Maron

Chris put his mark on 2022 with a lively melange of his usual bullshit.

Best/Worst Quote: “‘Foundered means…”

2023 Power Ranking: I don’t plan on driving through Buellton, CA again.

#5 Heat Molded Plastic Triangle Thing – Hampton Inn shower, Buellton, CA

The hell? Seriously. The fuck is it? It’s ten inches off the ground and greasy. They don’t want us to use it? Used for what? I called the front desk to ask – no person at the other end of the line. Just bemused silence. BEMUSED! SILENCE! 

The fuck outa here, Heat Molded Plastic Triangle Thing.

On the plus side it didn’t try to explain the meaning of “foundered” to me as if I didn’t have a 72 percent win rate in World Of Warships. I guess reading the Master and Commander series gives you that right?

Best/Worst Quote: n/a (It knew its place.)

2023 Power Ranking: You’re move, Maron.

#4 The Cougar

Outclassed Maron and Heat Molded Plastic Triangle Thing. Easily. 

2023 Power Rankings: The hair alone puts him in the running.

#3 Dandliker

Retired at the age of 50. My main man. Voluntarily got another job. Total loser. Why not just own apartment buildings, call it “multifamily” and assume everyone is impressed with that?

Why is he not #1? One word… “leverage.” Don’t act like you’re not impressed with that.

Best Quote: Doesn’t need one. He gave me a set of dice for DND. Not that glitter-filled plastic shit either. Brass with a sophisticated inlay of blue enamel. On trend. Substantial. Classy as fuck.

2023 Power Rankings: Always in play for glory.

#2 McKenna

This guy can’t stop hitting home runs. I even made his baby girl legit cry. By doing what? Stealing ice cream from her in front of her mother. Sure, a bit on the nose. Guess what Chris did? He laughed. Zigging while the world is zagging.

Bottom line: Bad person who makes me look better than I am. (Me = good person by the laws of transmutation?) Would give me the respect of assuming I know what the word “foundered” meant but would correct me with malice if I misused “transmutation.”

2023 Power Rankings: Perennial first place loser.

#1 Woolley

Call me?

2023 Power Rankings: #1 with a bullet. But why do we love him? Why do we let him do this to us?